I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
