They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
