My underwear smells like fireworks.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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