I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
