My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Panties = found
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
