New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize