you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
