I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
