Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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