hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Randomize
