Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
This baby is an asshole
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
