new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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