I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Randomize
