Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
did i just pee glitter
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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