My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
