A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
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