I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
How external is "for external use only"?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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