Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
