the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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