She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
