Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
