yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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