I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
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