she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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