can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
