Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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