Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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