my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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