While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Randomize
