I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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