i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Randomize
