if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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