Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
