i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
