Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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