i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize