I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
