Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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