I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
