I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
