Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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