I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
then he tried to convert me to islam
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
