so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
