One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
