i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
