I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
