Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
