Your face is a jimmy john
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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