I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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