Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
