she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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