You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
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