but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Two words: nipple clamps
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