Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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