Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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