Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
