I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
