I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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