whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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