i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Reggie can tackle my bush.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
