i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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