Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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