My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
