i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
