is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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