It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
