Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
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