There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
