sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
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